The Honeymooners and Guardians
by Al Bhed Muse
Summary: The title is pretty self explanitory... but if you didn't get it, just read it! And if you did, read it anyways! Pretty Slashy and lots of DDR.
1. chapter 1 Tidus is a dope and a battleb...

THE HONEYMOONERS (& guardians)  
  
Completely insane idea me and my sister had one day... ahem. Uhh... excuse me if this doesn't follow in time to the game... Yuna and Tidus make out in the lake AFTER Bevelle, right? Oh well. The story:  
  
  
Yuna and Tidus sat at the bank of a pond in Macalania woods  
  
" ..." Yuna sat next to Tidus in silence, thinking over what she had been doing in the pond a few seconds ago.. Someone stepped out of the bushes.  
  
"Well, excuse me if I'm intruding in on anything, but I believe that YOU, sir, just made out with my wife!" an enraged Guado said as calmly as he could.  
  
"Seymour!" Tidus snarled.  
  
"Step aside, you bastard! That's my wife! Oh Gawd. I'm so pissed!" Seymour choked. He grabbed Yuna's arm.  
  
"What the hell do you think you're doing to Yuna?!" Tidus shouted. The other guardians ran up as soon as they had heard him.  
  
"Maester Seymour!" Wakka shouted.  
  
"Will you leave us be? PLEASE! I mean, I'm not saying that you shouldn't guard the summoner, especially from me..." Seymour trailed off.  
  
"Get your claws off her!" Rikku shouted at him. Seymour glared.  
  
"Gawd! Will you all just leave me ALONE? Geez! I mean, we ARE married! In the name of Yevon I might add!" Wakka stepped back. "Hmm, one down." he muttered to himself.  
  
"Maester Seymour, may I inquire of you, what the hell are you doing here?" Lulu asked. (uhh, in a very un-Lulu-ish manner, sorry)  
  
"I'm not going to let you six RUIN my wedding completely! It's still not over, you know! The TWO of us are going on a honeymoon." Seymour said all prissy-like. Tidus' mouth gaped open.  
  
"... ... ..." Tidus stood there stupidly. "A WHAT?!?!" Tidus yelped at the Guado.  
  
"A honeymoon! You must have heard of them, you MORON! What a dope. You made out with THIS guy?!" Seymour scoffed. Yuna blushed and looked down at the ground. Lulu, Wakka, Rikku, and Auron gaped at her, in a very Tidus-ish way. Kimahri turned his head in disgust.  
"You did what?!" Rikku fumed.   
  
"Like, Omigod! SCANDALOUS!!" Auron said, making fun of Rikku. She poked him in the cheek.  
  
"Crid ib, oui pek SAYHEA!!" She shouted at him. Everyone stared blankly. Yuna tried to escape Seymour's grasp. Seymour noticed.  
  
"You guys can figure out your distorted love lives, I think that it's time we left. Right, my darling wife?" Seymour gleamed his nicest smile for Yuna. She shifted a little further away from him.  
  
"E drehg dryd Caosuin ec y pycdynt..." Rikku muttered to herself, shaking her head.  
Seymour ran with Yuna dragging behind.  
  
"Yuna!" The guardians gasped as they ran after them.  
  
"A car?!" Wakka shouted "Is... Isn't that machina?" They all shrugged and jumped into the trunk.  
  
Seymour and Yuna said in the backseat of the limousine.  
  
"We're taking the secret route to the palace of St.Bevelle. That's where I reserved a hotel room. Don't worry, there won't be any contoversy to skew our lovely eloping. But... I do need you to help me, Yuna. Ever since I met you, I've been crazy." Yuna gulped.   
  
Oh, don't tell me that I'm right, thinking where this is going... Yuna thought. She closed her eyes and turned away from him This is SOOO Gross!!!!!  
  
"I've been thinking that I should be Sin for some time now, and ever since meeting you, I've wanted to even more badly. I'm sure that you see how much it would help Spira, if all life were to end!" Seymour begged of her. She looked at him strangely.  
  
"Seymour... no. I won't. Sorry." She said bluntly. Seymour glared.   
  
"What did you just say?! You DARE challenge me, a maester?!"  
  
"Well, I challenged Yevon, and a maester does not have more power than Yevon, I presume?" Yuna quietly stated. Seymour bit his lip as not to yell again.  
  
"Ehehe... of course, dear. Oh? We're almost here! hee!" he said giddily. She groaned.   
I wonder where everyone is? *sigh*   
  
Yuna daintily climbed out of the car and looked around.  
  
"It's... beautiful...!" She didn't mean to say it out loud, but it was. The three fountains in the main yard sparkled when the sun hit them, there was a bird sanctuary, flowers filled the yard and all up the walkway, the smell of honeysuckle filled the air, and baby chocobos and their parents would occasionally wander out from the labrynth in the back yard. But most of all, there was a towering castle in the middle of the property. Yuna gasped.  
  
"This, is our home for the time being. You'll be safe here." Seymour said, nicer than he should have. Just then the trunk slashed open, Tidus, Auron and Kimahri had used their swords to break out. Everyone else followed.  
  
"WHAT THE HELL?!" Seymour shrieked exsasperatedly, covering his face with his hands and stumbling about in embarrasment.   
  
"Seymour... uhh..." Tidus muttered. Rikku ran up to Yuna.  
  
"Yunie! Are you all right? Did Seymour make a pass at you?! Oh Yunie!!!!" She sobbed. Yuna hugged her.  
  
"Rikku, I'm all right, don't worry about me." Yuna asuured her. Rikku looked up at her and let go.  
  
"You're right... but I'm your guardian... and your cousin at that!" Rikku said with worry. "And considering who it is, I'm all the more worried, Yunie!" Rikku said, flailing her arms animatedly. Seymour grabbed Yuna's arm yet again.  
  
"Leave her be! living with you pigs must be hard enough on her! When was the time all of you took a bath?!" Seymour sneered. The guardians all shifted self-conciously. Yuna tugged on his sleave.  
  
"Can... can we go... inside yet?" Yuna said, staring with amazment at the castle.  
  
"Oh? Of course, you go ahead, I'll be in in a minute." He said. The guardians all moved forward a step as to try to warn her not to go in. After Yuna wandered inside, Seymour turned to face the guardians.  
  
"Now see here, you pitiful sneaks, I just came here to spend a weekend with my wife!"  
  
"Somehow we don't believe you." Tidus snarled. "And would you QUIT calling her your WIFE?!" he said sadly. Seymour laughed mercilessly. Tidus turned away and thought.  
  
"Well, what are we supposed to do?" Auron said.  
  
"You can come inside... just... don't do anything that you think will make me angry, you know that you're at my every command!"   
  
"Right, and who was it that killed you,twice is it now?" Auron offered. Seymour glared.  
  
"Just stay out of my way." Seymour snapped as he stormed into the castle, where Yuna waited at the door innocently.  
  
"E's funneat." Rikku squealed sadly.  
  
  
  
  
A/N: Uhh, a little boring so far, sorry. It's short, I know! but I'm tired and I have an EEEVIL French quiz. Why don't they have Al Behd as a course in school?!!  
  
R&R if you love me!!!!!! (Don't deny it, you know you do.) 


	2. Chapter 2 put your mama in a headlock!

The honeymooners (& guardians) Chapter 2-- Put your mama in a headlock!  
  
A/N: After reading the first chapter myself, sorry for it being short. .. squee...  
  
  
Auron strolled down the hall and looked around.  
  
"I don't see what Yuna finds so nice about this place... I mean, there are... flowers... and candy..." Auron's eyes widened "And... and... pictures of kittys, and fluffy stuffed animals... and.... and... I'm in heaven!!!" he ducked underneath a table and and patted a stuffed puppy on the head. " I am SUCH a pretty, pretty princess" he squealed. Tidus walked past and heard mumbling from a table.  
  
"Huh? Auron? You down there?" Tidus knelt down. "AH! AURON!!!" He saw Auron in a pink dress robe and a crown with fake jewels all over it.  
  
"SHUT UP, KID! You'll be happy to know that this was your father's favorite game." He said.  
  
"Uhm, no, I'm not." Tidus said dumbly. Auron stood up and straitened out his skirt.  
  
"Excuse me." He said, sticking his nose in the air. He retreated to the bathroom where he had left his clothes. He shrieked. "GIVE ME MY CLOTHES YOU LITTLE BITCH!" Tidus leaned over and cracked up.  
  
"I haven't got them!" He chortled. Auron's face distorted as he sprinted to the bathroom. Seymour turned the corner.  
  
"..." Tidus straightened up immeditely.   
  
"Well, howdy Seymour!" Tidus said shakily. Resisting the urge to punch him in the face.   
  
"... hi." Seymour mumbled. HEE HEE. I GOT YUNA! Seymour thought. Though, I DO see what Yuna sees in this guy. HOTTIE. Tidus backed away slightly. Then he sprinted away from the staring Guado. Seymour sprinted after him, robes billowing behind him. He stopped abrubtly at the sound coming from the room Yuna and Rikku were in.   
  
"I'm your little butterfly, green, black and blue, make the colours in the sky!" He walked in to find Auron, Yuna and Rikku all dancing to Dance Dance Revolution.  
  
"What... is this?" Seymour said, looking, mesmerised, at the machina that was ejecting poppy music that they were all dancing to. "Uhm, not that I should care, but... Sir Auron, why are you wearing a barbie pink dress, magenta pumps, and a tiara?" Auron's face squished up.  
  
"You FORGOT about the magic ring!" Auron muttered angrily. He said, stepping off of the platform to give Seymour a peice of his mind, picking up, his now barbie pink Katana. "You'll regret forgetting about my MAGIC, FLASHING, PINK, RING!"  
  
"Well, excuse me... It's very... handsome, you know... ahem. But... why all of this?"  
  
"I LOST my clothes. That little bitch stole them!"  
  
"Tidus?"   
  
"Yes." Auron and Seymour both nodded to eachother.  
  
"Oh, Sir Auron, you may find this handy, if you're planning on wearing that dress, that high up." Seymour said, handing him a razor. He winked at Auron and left. Yuna stepped down. Rikku chuckled.  
  
"Sorry Yunie, but it looks like Seymour likes Auron more than.... uhh...." Rikku trailed off at the look on Yuna's face. She patted her on the back.  
  
Seymour walked out of the room and wandered around the corridors.   
  
"You know, Seymour, you could really hook up with one of the guys here, HOTTIES!!! hehe... marrying Yuna really DID have it's upside... heh heh..." he muttered to himself gleefully. He was cheering himself on, when he bumped into Kimahri. Kimahri stared at him.  
  
"Kimahri hear Guado talking... Kimahri think that Guado is VERY handsome maester." He said. Seymour gulped and ran away from the rather fruity Ronso. Kimahri hung his head. "Why Kimahri even try, even try..."  
  
Lulu and Wakka were eating brunch in the main hall.   
  
"I'm still hungry, ya?" Wakka complained.  
  
"Wakka, are you sure that's wise? That's your 12th plate of toast."  
  
"I'm just nervous about Yuna, ya? I mean, she's gotta be traumatized, ya?!"  
  
"I'll admit it, I am worried about her. I feel so bad for her... but, she's strong."  
  
"Well, ya, that's kinda what I'm saying, but I'm also worried that she can controll herself around a guy like that, ya?" Wakka snickered dirtily. Lulu slapped him.  
  
"How can you say something like that about Yuna?!" Lulu fumed as she stormed out of the room. She ran into Seymour. "hello Maester Seymour, excuse me." She stormed. He opened up and made his way to Wakka.  
  
OOH! I think I have the best chances with this one!! Seymour thought to himself. He giddily skipped into the room.  
  
"Maester Seymour... hi." Hello there.... sailor." Seymour said, sitting down. Yuna spied on him in the next room.  
  
"Why... that little..." Yuna grumbled. Rikku tapped her on the shoulder.  
  
"Yunie, this isn't like you, you know? I mean, you don't even like Seymour, you know? Uh, Yunie?" Rikku said hesitantly. Yuna just glared into the other room. Rikku waved her hand in front of her cousin's face. "Yuuuuunie..... hello in there... anybody home? eh, E keja ib." Rikku shrugged as she walked out of the room. She walked into the main hall.  
  
"Well hey there Seymour and Wakk- AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" She screamed as she saw Wakka and Seymour lying on the couch taking a nap together.   
  
"Aww, that's all cute, in a kinda sick and distubing way, you know, Yunie?" Rikku said, turning to the summoner, who was turning green with envy.  
  
"Yunie! You alright? Uhh... see ya!" Rikku skipped out of the room to go play Dance Dance Revolution with her buddy Auron and her newest gal pal Kimahri.  
  
Auron was sitting on the ground sobbing to himself. "Auron! What's the matter!" Rikku said, sitting down next to him.  
  
"Well... sniff sniff... Kimahri said that my Tiara canceled out the ... sniff sniff... rest of my outfit! But I like the shoes better and he said that they made my feet... sniff sniff... look.... CHUBBY!!!!!" He said before lowering his head and bawling.  
  
"Don't worry old buddy-pal, we'll get back at that backstabbing Ronso... one of these days... I swear it on my brother's grave..." Then all of a sudden Brother appeared and said: Rao! E nacahd dryd!  
"ehe... cunno." Rikku snickered.  
  
  
  
  
The end of chapter 2. what else should I say?   
  
Here's a jingle for goldfish.  
(some line i don't know)  
you know their made of real cheese  
even though they look like fishies  
the snack that smiles back:  
GOLDFISH! 


	3. chapter 3 Paul Wellstone died? OH CRAP!

chapter 3- Paul Wellstone died? OH CRAP!  
  
  
Yuna sulked around the castle walls searching for Seymour one evening. She ran into Tidus.  
  
"Yuna!" He said happily as he hugged her.  
  
"Oh... hello Tidus." She said awkwardly. She hugged him back.   
  
Where the hell is that Seymour?! Just wait until I get my hands on him... GRR... Tidus thought as he imagined the un-godly things he was doing to Yuna. He had been hugging her for over 5 minutes.  
  
"Uh... Tidus?" Yuna whispered. Tidus snapped back to reality.  
  
"Uhm, yeah?" he whispered back.   
  
"Would you, mind letting go of me now?"  
  
"Oh, sure." he said as he quickly let go of her. She said thank you and walked down the hall. Tidus punched himself for being such a loser. Lulu turned the corner. She waved a hand in front of his face.  
  
"Are you... feeling alright?" Lulu said with concern. Tidus shook his head and walked back to his room. Lulu looked quizzically at him and returned to the main hall. She walked in to find Wakka and Seymour taking a nap. Together... but to Lulu's relief, fully clothed. She tapped Wakka on the shouler. Wakka coughed and woke up. She shushed him and whispered.   
  
"What in Yevon's name are you thinking of?" Lulu throatily scolded him. Wakka yawned.  
  
"What did I do, ya?" Wakka asked dumbly. Lulu's anger seemed to be building inside of her, and it was about to burst. Lulu's face contorted angrily.  
  
"What do you mean by that? Sleeping with Seymour, a guado who tried to kill us twice already! And Yuna's HUSBAND!" Lulu fumed. Wakka looked dumbly at her.  
  
"You're crazy." Wakka said shaking his head. He walked back into the kitchen. "They got any toast here?" He said digging through the cupboards. Lulu stomped into the kitchen.   
  
"You listen to me, you DUNDERHEAD! I saw you sleeping on top of Seymour before I woke you up! You better not say it's not true... because my eyes don't decieve me Wakka." Lulu said as she shook her head. Seymour walked into the kitchen.   
  
"Do either of you know what time it is?" Seymour said groggily. Lulu stormed out of the room mumbling about "all the braindead people in the house".  
  
Rikku and Auron stealthily creeped down to Kimahri's room.   
  
"Kimahri!!!" Rikku shouted. "Come out of there!" She knocked on the door. Kimahri opened the door a crack.  
  
"Kimahri not feel like talking to Rikku or Auron now. Kimahri trys to sleep. You are loud and wake Kimahri. Kimahri hopes that this is worth Kimahri's time." He said impatiently, his blue fur in rollers and with cucumber on his eyes and shampoo on his face. Rikku drew back a little.   
  
"Oh, no reason, just wanted to tell you that you're wrong about Auron! I think that he's alot prettier than you! And you shouldn't use that shampoo on your face! It'll make your fur greasy, using that much!" Rikku said angrily as Auron started to sniffle. Kimahri slammed the door.   
  
"I was expecting an apology, you know?!" Rikku yelled through the door. "Hello?! HELLO?! PYCDYRT!" Rikku shouted. She banged on the door and turned to Auron. "Well, that's all we're gonna get out of him... sorry bud!" She skipped back to the room and played more DDR. This time she chose the "Otherworld level" but it was really easy because that guy singing is alot slower than the Golden Girls level (Auron's favorite).  
  
Seymour was outised watching the gardeners work on the flowers in the front. Tromell ran up to the castle.  
  
"L-Lord Seymour! the castle is being surrounded! They know that the summoner is here! It's best for you to all stay in the castle at all times, for the exit is being blocked!" He spluttered out at Seymour.  
  
"Pull yourself together, man, come inside." Seymour said exasperatedly. They proceeded into the kitchen to find Wakka stuffing his face with toast.  
  
"Hewo Thir Twamell... And thowwy for attackink Theymour before eeya?" He said through a full mouth.  
  
"Swallow, then talk, you mongrel." Seymour spat at him. Wakka looked at him sadly and nodded as he swallowed.  
  
"Anyways, it's best for none of you to go outside, they have all of Bevelle's police forces out there, Maester Seymour is never to be hurt by them! I swear on my grave!" Tromell insisted. Seymour waved his hand about calmingly.  
  
"Calm yourself. I will see to them myself." Seymour said calmly. "Please, help yourself to a tour of the castle." He said retreating outside. Tromell wandered the halls until he heard the poppy music of Dance Dance Revolution.  
  
"What is this ungodly machina doing in Lord Seymour's castle?!" Tromell shouted angrily. Auron looked over from the dancinng platform. Rikku stood up from where she was sitting watching him.  
  
"Aha, don't worry. This machina is accepted by Yevon, I'm sure of it. In fact, I was faxed the teachings, would you like to read them?" She said, handing him a peice of paper.  
  
"Fax?" He said looking over at the fax machine. "MORE MACHINA?!" He fumed.  
  
"Just read the teachings." Tromell studied the teachings.  
  
"There is nothing of the sort in the teachings!" He yelled.  
  
"aar, duikr lraaca." Rikku teased. She leaned over and turned on the cd player and danced to UFO. (UFO, by Pink Lady, in case you're wondering... which you weren't.) Tromell shook his head and went back downstairs.  
  
"Tromell, they are taken care of. Take your leave while you can." Seymour said. Tromell nodded.   
  
"Thank you, your grace." He preformed the prayer of yevon and bowed before he left. Seymour followed suit.  
  
"Yunie! Calm down!" Rikku yelled before Yuna ran up to Seymour.  
  
"Hello maester seymour!" She said hopefully. Seymour looked down and smiled politely.  
  
"Hello Yuna. Are you doing well, lady summoner?" he said politely. Yuna nodded  
  
"N-No need for formalities, r-right?" She said nervously. He nodded. Rikku looked at both of them  
  
"Kaaw, oui luimt lid dra dahceuh eh rana fedr y gheva!" Rikku said laughing. They both looked at her strangely.  
  
"An Al Behd... exotic." Seymour said. Rikku drew back and ran to the bathroom to throw up. Yuna shifted uncomfortably.  
  
"Am I going to have to worry... about your... faithfulness?" Yuna said softly. Seymour was taken aback.  
  
"What? Of course not!" He chortled and patted her on the head. " I must leave, I'm sorry, I'll be back down for dinner, alright? Oh yes, and I have a surprise for you tonight! See you later ... um... honey..." He finished awkwardly.  
  
Yuna nodded and sat down. Tidus sat down next to her.  
  
"Yuna... hi." he said. Yuna perked up.  
  
"Tidus! H-Hello..." She said. " I was just about to leave, I'm sorry." She stood up and left.  
  
"Is she... avoiding me? Oh... great. This is just WONDERFUL." Wakka slid into the room and started to sing:  
  
"Thank you for being a friend!  
Traveled down the road and back again!  
Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidante, ya!  
And if you threw a party, invited everyone ya knew  
You would see the biggest gift would be from me (a blitzball, ya?)  
And the card attatched would say: THANK YOU FOR BEIN A FRIEND, YA?  
And if you threw a party, invited everyone ya knew  
You would see the biggest gift would be from me (a blitzball, ya?)  
And the card attatched would say: THANK YOU FOR BEIN A FRIEND, YA?" Wakka put on a full preformance.  
  
"................ uh.............." Tidus said. (his face went: o____O;;;)  
  
"So, you think that that'll be good for tonight, ya? I'm thinkin of singing to Lu or Yuna, you know..."  
  
"huh?"   
  
"Oh.. ya don't know?" Wakka said, shocked. "Well, hehe, you'll see. Now... I think I'd better leave, ya?" Wakka said strolling out of the room casually into the kitchen in which crumbs covered the entire floor. Wakka helped himself to more toast.  
  
"There's something in the toast." Tidus said looking into the kitchen.  
  
  
  
  
  
The end of chapter 3? Already? Wow, that sure was quick, ne? I dunno, just seems to be over so soon... but don't want to over do it. I was listening to the Golden Girls theme song while writing, in case you didn't figure that out by now. Uhh, don't ask why.  
  
Moldy Peaches lyrics that I find hillariously fitting for FFX characters (One of them I tweaked a little... guess which one .) All lyrics from "Who's got the crack" By the Moldy Peaches  
------------------------------------------------------------------  
I wanted to be a hippy, but I forgot how to love (Seymour)  
It's hard to be a garbageman when a sailor stole my glove(Auron)  
I wanna be reckless, but I'm feeling so uptight (Yuna)  
Put your father in a headlock, Tidus, and do it right! (Hmm, I wonder! Tidus)  
  
  
Well, how far will Wakka's obsession with Toast go?! And when will they move out of the castle on Goldfish Bllv.!? And when will Lulu make an appearence for more than one scene?! And when will Kimahri stop greasing up his hair with bad hair products?! And when will Auron go straight again?!?!?!?! Never... heee... -^..^-  
  
R&R, because apparently everyone in the world has been forgetting to .;;; 


	4. chapter 4 Wow, crunchy caramel rolls ar...

chapter 4 - Wow, crunchy caramel rolls are pretty good!  
  
  
Seymour went around the halls looking for everyone. He knocked on all of the doors.  
  
"If you're coming, it's now." he said as he passed all of the doors. Yuna peeked out the door and hopped out before he got to her. "Oh, you out already? good job, go to my room." Yuna nodded and followed everyone else. Tidus walked next to Yuna.  
  
"You wondering what's gonna happen?" Tidus asked dorkily. Yuna nodded and moved a little closer to Lulu.  
  
"Yuna, you'll want to be quieter." Lulu instructed her. Yuna nodded. They all arrived in Seymours room. Seymour had changed out of his usual clothes, and into a tux.  
  
"Just a perfect day   
Drink sangria in the park   
And then later, when it gets dark, we'll go home   
Just a perfect day   
Feed animals in the zoo   
Then later a movie too, and then home   
  
Oh it's such a perfect day   
I'm glad I spent it with you   
Oh such a perfect day   
You just keep me hanging on  
  
Just a perfect day   
Problems all left alone   
Weekenders on our own   
It's such fun   
  
Just a perfect day   
You make me forget myself   
I thought I was someone else   
Someone good   
  
Oh it's such a perfect day  
I'm glad I spent it with you  
Oh such a perfect day  
You just keep me hanging on.... " Seymour kneeled at Yuna's feet and sang emotionally. She just blushed and leaned on Lulu's shoulder, all of the guardians were snickering. Yuna was shaking her head. Tidus jumped in front.  
  
"Seymour! That sucked!" He shouted. Seymour glared.  
  
"Fine. Here you go." he said, forcing the mic into Tidus' hands. Tidus puffed pulled Yuna out of the audience and they sang:  
  
"There's no such thing as a harmless joke  
There's no such thing as a gentle toke  
There's no such thing as Panama Jack  
  
Who's got the crack?  
Whoooo's got the crack?  
Who~~~oo's got the crack?  
  
I am a goat   
in a mote  
with a boat  
  
Who's got the crack?  
Whoooo's got the crack?  
Who~~~oo's got the crack?  
  
I like it when my hair is poofy  
I like it when you slip me a roofie  
I like it when   
you've got the crack  
  
Who's got the crack?  
Whoooo's got the crack?  
Who~~~oo's got the crack?  
  
I wanna be a hippie but I forgot how to love  
It's hard to be a garbageman when a sailor stole my glove  
I wanna be reckless, but I'm feeling so uptight  
PUT YOUR MAMA IN A HEADLOCK BABY! AND DO IT RIGHT!"  
  
Everyone joined in at this point.  
  
"Who's got the crack?  
Whoooo's got the crack?  
Who~~~oo's got the crack?  
  
Who's got the crack?  
Whoooo's got the crack?  
Who~~~oo's got the crack?" Everyone shut up. Yuna and Tidus both looked at eachother and finished.  
  
"Who's got the crack...." Everyone applauded. Wakka stepped forward.  
  
"Here's my first peice for the night, okay?" He said before startubgL  
  
"Aii yaii yaiii I'm your little butterfly  
Green black and blue make the colours in the sky  
Aii yaii yaiii I'm your little butterfly  
Green black and blue make the colours in the sky  
  
I've been searching for a man   
all across Japan  
Just to find  
to find my samurai  
someone who is strong  
and still a little shy  
yes I need, I need my samurai  
  
Aii yaii yaiii I'm your little butterfly  
Green black and blue make the colours in the sky  
Aii yaii yaiii I'm your little butterfly  
Green black and blue make the colours in the sky  
  
I've been searcing in the woods  
and high apon the hills   
just to find   
to find my samurai  
someone who won't regret  
to keep me in his net  
yes I need, I need my samurai  
  
Aii yaii yaiii I'm your little butterfly  
Green black and blue make the colours in the sky  
Aii yaii yaiii I'm your little butterfly  
Green black and blue make the colours in the sky  
  
Aii yaii yaiii I'm your little butterfly  
Green black and blue make the colours in the sky  
Aii yaii yaiii I'm your little butterfly  
Green black and blue make the colours in the sky..."  
  
Wakka sang with his own little hand motions. He fluttered his hands all around the room, it went on in this fashion for a while. Seymour seemed to be enjoying every moment of it. Everyone applauded politely.  
  
"Thank you, ya? here's my second piece." He said sheepishly. Seymour snorted. Wakka stood there clutching the mic like it was life support. His face paled. He motioned for Tidus to come up.  
  
"What song was I supposed to sing again?" Wakka stammered to him quietly. Tidus shook his head.  
  
"Why don't we sit down and try to figure it out?" Tidus suggested. Wakka nodded and se down the mic. Seymour stood up.   
  
"Umm, this wasn't supposed to happen... talent show!" he said quickly as he wrote on a peice of paper:  
  
note to self:   
gay- wakka, auron, the blue guy, and that dopehead yuna made out with.  
straight- no one  
  
Seymour tucked the peice of paper into his robes and sat down. Rikku ran up.   
  
"Watch this! I need 2 helpers!" She pulled Lulu and Yuna out from the audience. She handed them each an end of a peice of rope.   
  
"Now I'll proceed to make this rope go through my back, to my stomach and out again." She said! "Now, I'm not sure that I know how to do this, but I saw a magician do it once and it can't be THAT hard, right?" She said as she had Yuna and Lulu let go, she grabbed onto the sides herself. She pushed the rope into her back with a sickening crack. (heey, that ryhmed)   
  
".........." An awkward hush filled the room as Rikku plopped onto the floor.  
  
"Shouldn't someone take her to the hospital?" Yuna said. Everyone stared at her. "Fine." She casted Life of Rikku.  
  
"Oh, I thought I was done for!" Rikku gasped. "Thanks Yunie!" She got back up onto the stage, rope hanging sickly out of each side of her. "I've got more magic tricks, you know?Next, I'll escape from a straight jacket!" She said. She had Kimahri help her. Kimahri accidentally buckled it too tight, Rikku turned blue and suffocated. Yuna rushed to her and casted Life again. Rikku sat up.  
  
"Okay, lets try this again." She gasped. She stood up and lifted her arm up over her head. She held her breath and unbuckled the belt between her legs and toppled over. She then attempted to get back up with no avail. Auron walked up and dragged her out of the room and sat back down. Wakka then walked back up.  
  
"I'm ready, ya?!" He shouted gleefully.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
So... sorry bout all of the songs, but it's pretty funny if you read them! well, it is to me... teehee ^^;; lessee... oh yes. the songs (in order):  
  
Perfect Day- Lou Reed  
  
Who's got the Crack? - The Moldy Peaches  
  
Butterfly- Smile d.k  
  
Well, it's going to continue! 


	5. chapter 5 Or is that starting line?

chapter 5- or is that starting line?  
  
One of the most pointless chapter titles... o__O  
  
  
  
Wakka stood in front of everyone looking about with a smile.  
  
"Wakka, don't!" Lulu said. Wakka looked at her with hurt in his eyes.  
  
"Lu... why?" He said saidly.  
  
"Wakka, I heard you singing to Tidus... and... I HATE THE GOLDEN GIRLS!" Lulu sid furiously. Yuna gasped, Rikku pounded on the door to show her shock. Auron pulled his sock off his foot and threw it at Lulu.  
  
"W-What you say again?" Wakka said with anguish. Lulu squirted Wakka with crest toothpaste and ran out of the room. Cacutar hobbled after her. Mog sat in Lulu's now unnocupied seat. Lulu stopped just outside of the door.  
  
"Rrrr... get off the floor you dope!" She unbuckled the straight jacket and pulled her back into the room. "And if you act like that anymore I'll cast Thundara on you!" Rikku nodded and ran into Seymour's room. She ran up to Wakka and took the mic.  
  
"I'm back everyone!" Rikku shouted with a flourish. Mog clapped alone. "Thank you, thank you! I'll do a harmless card trick! Nothing can go wrong! Well, I kinda swiped these cards from Lulu, and... they're memory cards! I promise that whatever you get, I'll get the same card!" She said. Lulu stood up.  
  
"Those are the only things keeping me alive! I would have comitted suicide a long time ago!" Lulu shouted and casted flare on Rikku. Rikku walked over to Lulu and handed her the cards. She sat in her seat with Mog on her lap. Mog patted her on the arm comfortingly. Tidus went up to the stage.  
  
"Yuna... this one's for you!" He said, just before bursting out in song.  
  
  
"Pink  
Dino   
Doo dee doo doo doo  
You're a sweet little dinosaur!  
Pink   
Dino  
Doo dee doo doo doo  
You're a pink little dinosaur  
  
Pink  
Dino   
Doo dee doo doo doo  
You're a sweet little dinosaur!  
Pink   
Dino  
Doo dee doo doo doo  
You're a pink little dinosaur  
  
Pink   
Dino  
won't you play with me?  
I'm your friend  
and you know--"  
  
Seymour had ran up and proceeded to choke him.  
  
"SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Seymour shrieked with rage. Lulu choked Seymour.  
  
"I'M THE PMSing BITCH IN THIS HOUSE!!!"She screamed. Wakka cried.  
  
"Stop it, ya? It's too hard to watch ya all hurting eachother, ya?" He sobbed. They all stopped.  
  
"Geez, pull yourself together!" Tidus said exasperatedly.  
  
"I thought we were all acting out of character." Wakka said. Lulu shook her head sadly.  
  
"You took it one step WAAAY too far there, Wakka, and deteriorated any hinting of sexual feelings towards women EVER." Lulu snorted before laughing her arse off. Everyone laughed at Wakka, because it's fun. Heehee, wakka sure is dumb sometimes! Auron stopped laughing at once and stared at Tidus. Tidus stared back, his eyes turned all googily and starry-like.  
  
"Wouldn't you love to be in the castle from Cinderella?" Tidus inquired of Auron.  
  
"Hurry! We're gonna be late for the Ball!!!" Auron said as the two dashed out of the room to play with dolls.  
  
"... ... ... eew." Rikku said.   
  
"That was... really... homosexual."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The end of the shortest chapter EVER!!! The next chapter will be longer!!! I promise you! But will Tidus and Auron make it to the Ball in time? Oh yeah, and if I got the lyrics to Pink Dinosaur wrong, GOMEN NE.  
  
Pink Dinosaur-Papaya  
  
Another DDR quoting chapter. YAAAAAAY!!! ^_______________^ 


	6. chapter 6 THE HORROR! A FLASHBACK! WHAT...

chapter 6- THE HORROR!!!! A FLASHBACK?!?!?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!  
  
This chapter will be a flashback, don't worry kiddies, insanity shall insue! I'm dead serious. This has jecht x auron hinting, ^.^ oooooooh, Auron's in luuuuurv! With you... o.O well, he is if you're name's... ahh, screw it, here's chapter 6. -.-;  
  
  
look, look! It's Noface ^.^! i _ i ain't noface cuuuuuute???!!!  
  
  
Auron sat and watched them. He laughed to himself.   
  
I remember the days of Jecht and me singing Golden Girls in Braska's bedroom, hmm... shame that his son's so much uglier than him. Auron thought looking at Tidus making a fool of himself trying to pole dance with the mic stand to everyone's disgust. Auron laughed and stopped his gay thoughts about Tidus.  
  
"Get down here, boy!" Auron shouted at him. everyone snickered.   
  
"Ooh, Sir Auron wants a personal lap dance!" Rikku laughed. Auron glared as she shrunk three feet. (rendering her 1 1/2 feet tall.) "Sir Auron!!!!" She shouted (her voice sounded like one of the chipmunks! ^_^) Tidus walked down to Auron.  
  
"Yeah, Auron?" Tidus said.  
  
"I have a story to tell you." He said as he walked out of the room. Tidus' face squished up.  
  
"Give me a break, man!" Tidus said as Auron threw a kit-kat at him. (man, isn't awesome when auron's just prepared like that?! ^___^ okei, enough with the author's notes, sowwy!) Tidus sighed. "NOT FUNNY AURON!!!" Auron threw him a klondike bar.  
  
"There you go." Auron said, waiting at the door. Tidus' face went:  
  
  
O.O (he said: A KLONDIKE BAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY FREAKING GOD!!!!!!!!!!!! O.O O.O O.O)   
  
Auron tapped his foot impatiently as Tidus gawked over the klondike bar. He snatched the klondike bar back from Tidus and left the room. Tidus scrambled over. Rikku got down on all fours and began to crawl to the door. She slithered into the door and hit her head. (She was full sized again. o.O)   
  
"What is it Auron?" Tidus said angrily. "Gimme that KLONDIKE BAR!!!!!!!!" Tidus fumed. Auron thrusted the klondike bar into the dolt's hands. Tidus ate it.  
  
"Okay, I have to tell you... your father fell in love with me." Tidus spit his klondike bar all over auron. "Okay, YOU KNOW WHAT?! YOU ARE REALLY DUMB, TIDUS!" Auron said, blushing furiously. Rikku shrieked. She opened the door that Auron was leaning on, causing Auron to topple over into the crowd of guardians that had gathered next to the door.  
  
"S-Sir Auron!' Wakka said happily. "That makes two of us!" He said.  
  
"Hey, hey! I never said that I fell in love with that idiot's father!" Auron shouted stubbornly. They stared at him blankly.  
  
"Did you?" Lulu asked. He stared at all of them. Seymour was standing with them - with a tape recorder. Auron slapped his forehead and punched the tape recorder.  
  
"DON'T YOU DARE, SEYMOUR!" Auron said, turning red as a beet. Tidus and Auron ran out of the room and ran into Auron's room, Tidus had never been here before, and was glad he hadn't.  
  
Auron's room was covered head to toe in pictures of Jecht, wallpaper, blankets, photographs, pajamas, carpet, rugs, furniture, etc.  
  
"Oh...... eww." Tidus said, turning green, they looked like christmas ornaments, red and green! ^_^ *thumbs up!*  
  
"Now, the story, ahh, yes." Auron said lifting up his sake jug.  
  
"I'll be needing this." He said. He lifted up his jug and took a swig.  
  
*flashback*  
  
Jecht, Auron and Braska all stood on the highbridge in Bevelle.  
  
"Goodbye, my darling daughter, I love you." Braska had said to Yuna. Yuna wiped her eyes.  
  
" *sniff* goodbye, father." Yuna said sadly. Auron patted her on the head.  
  
Auron left after Braska. Jecht walked up to Yuna.  
  
"Well, I guess this is it! You should've met my son, 'bout the same age as you, wants to be just like his old man! But no one can! hah! wait.. that's off topic, isn't it..? Well,I'll be seeing ya!" He said, dashing after Braska and Auron. Auron looked over at Jecht.  
  
"You know, the longer your goodbyes are, the harder it is for the person you're saying them to."  
  
"Well it's better than not saying anything like a certain guardian we all know!" Jecht said frustratedly. Auron shook his head.  
  
"Give me a break." Auron said. Braska stopped.  
  
"It seems... rather cruel to leave Yuna here. Having to have her watch us leave, don't you think?" Braska said, looking fondly back at his daughter.   
  
"Come on, Braska, no time to get emotional!" Auron said impatiently. Jecht looked at Auron.  
  
"Have a heart, Auron! For once!" Jecht said angrily. Braska had already started running back to Yuna, who in turn, was running towards Braska. They both hugged and cried for a couple minutes, whispering enocouragements to each other. Yuna let go of him and sadly went back to their house, as Braska turned and walked back to the guardians, wiping away the tears. Braska walked up to them.  
  
"I'm ready." Braska said as they walked to the macalania woods.  
  
"Where are we off to first?" Jecht asked.   
  
"We skip Guadosalam, and go to the Moonflow, we ride the shoopuf to Djose, where Braska will obtain the aeon Ixion, and I'll tell you from then on." Auron instructed. They both nodded. Jecht skipped through the Macalania Forest, swining his sword around like a baton, hitting trees and fiends at random. Auron and Braska walked behind him, hitting the fiends he missed.  
  
"Why is he a guardian, again?" Auron said bluntly to Braska. Braska laughed and scratched the back of his head.  
  
"ehe... I'm not sure." Braska said.  
  
"No time to be a good Samaritan, you dunderhead." Auron scolded.  
  
"Ooh, harsh!" Jecht said, stopping his skipping to help the two men behind him, but he tripped over a root and fell into Auron, spilling Auron's sake jug.  
  
"Arrrrgh... YOU!!!!" Auron fumed at the clumsy guardian. Jecht blushed and handed him his sake jug.  
  
"Here you go..." Jecht said embarrasedly. Auron snatched it from Jecht, who proceeded to glomp Auron. Auron sweatdropped.  
  
"Wh-What are you doing..." Auron spluttered.  
  
--  
  
"Wait, wait, wait! YOU'RE MAKING THIS UP!" Tidus shouted at him. Auron looked up at him.  
  
"Why would I make this up?" Auron inquired of him.  
  
"Be-Because! He never even hugged my mom! Well... maybe once... but that's just the reason I'm here!"  
  
"You're adopted."  
  
"What?"  
  
--  
  
"Oh... nothing..." Jecht shyly said. Braska was sweatdropping now too.  
  
"Sir Jecht... do you have... split personalities?" Braska said awkwardly.  
  
"What? Why would you say that?" Jecht said, drinking the last of Auron's sake. Auron's eyes got all firey.  
  
"Hey! That's mine!" He said snatching it from him and trying to push Jecht off of him with no prevail.  
  
"Hey, do they have bathrooms around here?" Jecht said. They both stared at him.  
  
"Just wondering... you never know." Jecht said. they both sweatdropped.  
  
"Uhm, no." Braska said.  
  
"WILL YOU GET OFF OF ME?!?!" Auron shouted. Jecht smiled and shook his head.  
  
*Moonflow*   
  
Jecht screamed and hid behind Braska.  
  
"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING?! IT'S FREAKING HUUUUGE!" Jecht shouted at Auron. He ran up to the shoopuf and tapped it. It toppled over and started to bleed.  
  
"You toush Shoouff'z shoft shpot! you izsh going to pay for dizsh! Yesh, pay!" The shoopuf handler shouted at them.  
  
"We're very sorry, I am the summoner Braska, and I am obliged to give you all of our money as an apology."  
  
--  
  
"The shoopuf handler hated us from them on, pushing aside the fact that we were on a pligrimage. I'm not sure that he recognized me when we traveled to the moonflow with the others. Hopefully not." Auron chuckled to himself, taking another chug of sake.  
  
"Auron..." Tidus said worriedly.  
  
"Hmm?"   
  
"I have 2 daddys, you are one."  
  
"o.O"  
  
--  
  
The shoopuf handler took all their money and got another shoopuf for them to ride on. Jecht was pensieve for the whole ride.  
  
"Do you think... that I'll be stuck in Spira forever... or do you think that... I'll get back to Zanarkand.. MY Zanarkand?"  
  
"Are you still stuck on that story?!" Auron said cruelly. "Get over it, you drunkard! You're not from Zanarkand,and that's that!" He spat on the floor. "And you backwashed in my sake!" Jecht sighed and shook his head.  
  
"I believe that you are from Zanarkand, as you say you are." Braska said to Jecht.  
  
"Thanks."  
  
*Djose- Road to Temple*  
  
"Soooo... who wants to play a game?" Jecht said, hyper-ishly speaking. (hyper-ishly?!) They played I spy for a while until they reached the temple, after fighting their fair share of Mandrogas.  
  
"Let's go." Auron said as they all walked across the bridge to the temple. Jecht was humming to himself, staring after Auron who turned around and gave him a weird look.  
  
"Jecht, you're scaring me." (HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! XD sorry.. I COULDN'T HELP IT!!!)  
  
*Temple of Yevon-Djose*  
  
Braska was praying in the chamber of the fayth. Auron and Jecht were waiting for him.  
  
"I'm excited! I wanna see Ixion!" Jecht said. "Don't you?" Auron sighed and nodded reluctantly.  
  
"We have to be quiet, Braska prays to the fayth." Auron said. Jecht cocked his head.  
  
"The faith? huh?"  
  
Auron sighed. "I'll explain it later, just... shut up for now." Jecht did so. Auron and Jecht stood in an awkward silence.  
  
--  
  
"You know what? This is disgustingly gross, Auron! Just... EEW." Tidus shuddered.  
  
"Look, I'm almost at the... uh... er... nevermind..." Auron started to blush again.   
  
"Auron?"  
  
"To answer Lulu's question... no, I didn't fall in love with your father. But I fell in love with... Yuna's father." Tidus ran out the door to the bathroom to puke. After coming back the room he shouted.  
  
"WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!" Tidus shouted. Just then Yuna ran into the room carrying 2 guns and wearing that snazzy outfit from FFX-2!  
  
"Stick em up!" Yuna said as the got read y to pull the trigger. They both stuck their hands up in the air.  
  
"Okay, that's good, bai bai!" Yuna said as she walked out of the room. Tidus ran out of the room.  
  
"WAIIIIT!!!!!!!!!" Auron shouted. "Don't repeat this to a single soul!" Auron shouted sadly as he took down a picture from his wall of Jecht and him at Disneyland.  
  
he sighed."Oh Jecht, you looked so cute with Mickey Mouse ears." He opened up his dresser and gasped.  
  
"JECHT!!!!!!!!" He screamed. Yuna and Tidus ran back into the room, their clothes looking rather ruffled.  
  
"H-Hey." Jecht said. "How ya doing, kiddo?"Jecht said. Everyone gawked at him. Yuna gently closed the door with a click.   
  
"Oh.. Oh my! Sir Jecht!" She said and did that nifty little prayer thing.  
  
"YOU!" Tidus shouted, his voice full of rage. Yuna set a hand on his shoulder to calm him.  
  
"I thought you were sin!" Auron said. Jecht shrugged.   
  
"Naah, that's my evil brother Marvin."  
  
"Uncle Marvin?!" Tidus said sadly. Jecht nodded solemnly. Tidus' eyes watered up and he threw himself onto Auron's pillow and started to bawl uncontollably. Auron let out a little gasp.  
  
"Something wrong Lov- er- Auron?" Jecht asked.  
  
"Hate to break it to you, but the four of us are all locked in here."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
O________O Will anyone survive? 2 homosexual males and 2 hormonal teens locked in a room together?!! WHAT WOULD YOU DO FOR A KLONDIKE BAR?!?! Oh, the horror! 


End file.
